A few years ago my ex-wife asked me to leave the house or she said she would. Our marriage had been struggling for sometime and I recall at that moment feeling betrayed, hurt and angry. I was approaching an age where I could no longer make a living playing hockey. We have three beautiful children together and I thought to myself: how could she do that! I moved out which I believe was a mistake looking back because the decision to leave was a lack of love towards myself regardless of how things would turn out. I remember sleeping at the hockey rink the first few nights on the floor and wondered how did this all unfold this way! Several weeks later, my ex-wife asked me if I would consider moving back in our home and living in the basement. I said no and told her I had met someone during this time. This was true but I said it because I felt hurt and I wanted her to feel the same. I understand today, she was also hurting at the time. This was simply my ego’s response to feeling vulnerable.
WHAT I LEARNED
What I know today is like many children, I grew up in a family where who I was, was not celebrated.
I learned that love is conditionally! If I acted the way they wanted me to, things were okay. Most parents are wounded themselves and raise their children unconsciously trying to fulfill their lack. From the age of 0-7, children are in a hypnotic state, they do not have the ability to filter what their parents, teachers and people close to them say and do. Our care takers leave powerful imprints in those early years. Most parents love their children but lack the awareness to realize that they are parenting from a wounded perception that doesn’t allow them to see the world and their children as something beautiful and precious. Most children receive negative messages about who they are. This leads them to unconsciously create personas or masks so they may appear worthy.
THE WALLS WE CREATE
What I have come to realize through my experience of divorce is that from a young age I have created walls in order to function in a family that lived a life in protection and fear. I am not here to judge my parents, they have had their trials and tribulations. I have not lived in their shoes. I have forgiven and freed myself, I am simply here to share how I turned my challenges into blessings. I understand today why I never cried when my brother took his own life. The walls I created were there to anesthetize me from feeling the pain and sadness that accompanied me through my childhood. In my marriage the walls were always there even though we had wonderful times together, our partners are a reflection of what is happening within ourselves. They are there to teach us about ourselves.
BEHIND THE WALLS IS OUR TRUE SELF
The events I am sharing with you have brought me to a place where I feel an immense gratitude and freedom in my life; I would have never imagined that when I was sleeping on the floor in the ice hockey dressing room. I have become aware of the walls that prevented me from being the person I am meant to be. A being that feels and understands that our purpose here is to live and love fully so we may transform every experience we encounter into something magical. To live fully present!